


Things Kasey Kahne Is No Longer Allowed to Do after Consuming Too Much Red Bull: A Non-Exhaustive List by Kasey Kahne with Some Assistance from Jamie McMurray

by Deifire



Category: NASCAR RPF
Genre: M/M, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-29
Updated: 2011-12-29
Packaged: 2017-10-28 11:22:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deifire/pseuds/Deifire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kasey was sponsored by Budweiser, we worried about him consuming too much of his sponsor’s product. Fortunately, too much beer just makes Kasey sleepy. Over the course of the 2011 season, however, we learned too much energy drink has a very different effect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Things Kasey Kahne Is No Longer Allowed to Do after Consuming Too Much Red Bull: A Non-Exhaustive List by Kasey Kahne with Some Assistance from Jamie McMurray

**Author's Note:**

> For Claireliz81 in the NASCARland Secret Santa exchange.
> 
> This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to actual events is entirely coincidental.

_Note from Jamie:_ When Kasey was sponsored by Budweiser, we worried about him consuming too much of his sponsor’s product. Fortunately, too much beer just makes Kasey sleepy. Over the course of the 2011 season, however, we learned too much energy drink has a very different effect.

 **101 Things Kasey Kahne Is No Longer Allowed to Do after Consuming Too Much Red Bull: A Non-Exhaustive List**   


1\. I am not allowed to call Jamie at 3am to tell him about my really great idea for a boy band.

2\. I especially am not allowed to sing him the songs I composed.

3\. No, not even if they’re really good.

4\. Not allowed to throw Trevor Bayne to the cougars to save my own rear end.

5\. Should I ever need to do so to ensure my own survival, I will at least make sure he has a fighting chance by not tying him up with a big bow first.

6\. There is no tradition involving first-time Daytona 500 winners streaking through the infield. It was not funny when I convinced Jamie, and it is not funny now.

7\. I will remember Matt Kenseth is smarter than me.

8\. Should I ever forget Matt Kenseth is smarter than me, next time I will ransom my own clothes.

9\. I am not a Cullen. Nor do I sparkle in direct sunlight.

10\. Not allowed to restyle Jamie’s hair while he is sleeping.

11\. Not allowed to invite Jamie’s teammate to restyle his hair while he is sleeping.

12\. Not allowed to infuse Jamie’s shampoo with bacon scent to entice Jake to restyle Jamie’s hair while he is sleeping.

13\. I will remember that nothing involving potential harm to Jamie’s hair is funny.

14\. While tormenting Brian Vickers is acceptable, not allowed to use the “always after me Lucky Charms” line anymore, as it was only humorous the first five hundred times.

15\. Dale Junior is not my personal Lord and Savior.

16\. I am not too cute to fine, and will remember this at all times when addressing Mr. France and Mr. Helton.

17\. I am also not too cute for secret probation.

18\. “Forgetting” my firesuit when I am called to the hauler will get me nowhere.

19\. Suggesting my teammate “forget” his firesuit when he is called to the hauler only results in a painful experience for everybody.

20\. Juan Pablo Montoya has an excellent grasp of English, and is not fooled by “my hovercraft is full of eels.”

21\. There are some recreational activities that should never be attempted with an air gun.

22\. Not allowed to say things to David Ragan that make him fear for the safety of his pets.

23\. I know my sponsor’s product is delicious with Jagermeister; not allowed to try it ever again just to make sure.

24\. Kenny Francis’ job does not involve collecting the bail money.

25\. Kenny’s job also does not involve holding my hair while I throw up.

26\. Or getting Brian Vickers’ car out of the shark tank.

27\. Or stopping me from doing my rendition of “I’m a Little Teapot” while on camera.

28\. Not allowed to sing “I’m a Little Teapot” ever again, whether I am on camera or not.

29\. Not ever again allowed to refer to the events that took place that night in the aquarium.

30\. Or the subsequent events in Target.

31\. Or what happened afterwards at Tony Stewart’s house.

32\. My sunglasses do not allow me to see through time. Or Danica Patrick’s firesuit.

33\. There is no such thing as Strip Dungeons and Dragons.

34\. Even if there was such a thing as Strip Dungeons and Dragons, I should know better than to play it with the Busch brothers.

35\. That goes double for Naked Twister.

36\. Jamie shouldn’t even have to warn me about their customized “Sexual Monopoly” board.

37\. Lars Kenseth is not a Nyan Cat.

38\. In fact, not allowed to strap Pop-Tarts or any other foreign object to any Kenseth cat. It is not worth it, even if I do wind up with a cool-looking scar.

39\. I cannot wish people into the cornfield.

40\. When greeting the CEO of NASCAR, “I see Paris, I see France…” is not an acceptable opening line.

41\. Kenny’s job does not involve helping me reload my Pez dispenser with candy, and I should have figured out how to do it myself a long time ago.

42\. I am not allowed to say the words “blew a seal” in front of Michael Waltrip.

43\. I am not allowed to ask Michael to explain why that’s funny.

44\. I should refrain from asking Michael Waltrip to elaborate on any subject. Ever.

45\. NASCAR officials’ uniforms do not resemble anything from the movie _Spaceballs_ , and I should stop pointing that out if I know what’s good for me.

46\. I will stay out of the Talladega infield.

47\. Should I venture into the Talladega infield, any subsequent injuries, bodily harm, or the further stripping away of what remains of my innocence are my own problem.

48\. See above re: tattoos.

49\. Nobody is interested in how the goat got into my motorcoach.

50\. I do not need to make any more puns involving the words “pole position.”

51\. No longer allowed to play games with Jamie involving the fuzzy handcuffs.

52\. Should Jamie ever again allow the fuzzy handcuffs, I will not lose track of the damned key.

53\. Should I ever again lose track of the damned key, I will not call anybody from Roush Fenway Racing for assistance.

54\. Especially not Carl Edwards.

55\. Should I ever again call Carl Edwards, am not allowed to ask him to bring a video camera.

56\. Not allowed to teach Carl how to use YouTube.

57\. Kenny’s job does not involve minor repairs to adult toys.

58\. I do not have proof that Elvis is alive and a season ticketholder for the Bristol night race.

59\. I am not a demolitions expert.

60\. Not allowed to force Truck Series rookies to be my personal slaves.

61\. Not even if they volunteer.

62\. Especially not if Jamie asked first.

63\. Not allowed to ritually summon the spirit of Smokey Yunick for advice on creative engineering.

64\. Even if I was, said ritual does not involve being skyclad.

65\. I am not Batman.

66\. Kenny is not Robin, and cannot be convinced to wear short shorts.

67\. Jamie is most definitely not Catwoman.

68\. Not allowed to give Ella Gordon an entire bag of Pixie Stix.

69\. Not allowed to make Kevin Harvick angry after he’s just eaten fifteen tacos. The subsequent gastrointestinal distress just makes for a miserable night for DeLana.

70\. Nobody is interested in how the goat wearing Kyle Busch’s underwear wound up on the spotters’ stand.

71\. Not allowed to speculate on alternate uses for fishing or hunting equipment in the middle of Bass Pro.

72\. Kenny’s job does not involve driving anybody to the hospital if I try this and it goes wrong.

73\. Not allowed to refer to Paul Menard as “the 1%.”

74\. Not allowed to hold Richard Childress’s watch.

75\. Not allowed to write Mike Helton’s phone number under my name on the walls of the ladies’ restrooms.

76\. Not allowed to write Mike Helton’s phone number under my name on the walls of the men’s restrooms, either.

77\. Not allowed to have Mike Helton’s new number.

78\. I do not know the truth about Roswell.

79\. Chad Knaus is not a Cylon. Probably.

80\. No longer allowed to spin Brian around in an office chair until he’s too dizzy to stand up before he gets in his car.

81\. Not allowed to give Brian an entire bag of Pixie Stix, either.

82\. I do not know kung fu.

83\. NASCAR does not stand for “National Association of Seriously Cool Ass-Grabbing Racers.” No matter what Tony says.

84\. Not allowed to ask Juan Pablo Montoya to teach me to swear in Colombian.

85\. Not allowed to steal Samantha Busch’s shoes. Even if they do look better on me.

86\. My victory celebration need not include getting kicked out of Applebee’s.

87\. My victory celebration need not include getting kicked out of Hooters, either.

88\. If I am getting kicked out of Hooters, should probably not ask for an application on the way out the door.

89\. Not even if I would make a really kick-ass waitress in drag.

90\. Not allowed to invite Matt Kenseth to my victory celebration.

91\. If I do invite Matt Kenseth, not allowed to ask him to mix drinks.

92\. If I do ask Matt Kenseth to mix drinks, I should probably stop after I’ve had four.

93\. I should definitely make sure Jamie stops after three.

94\. Not allowed to let Tony, Kurt or Kyle have even one.

95\. Kenny’s job does not involve coaxing livestock off a hotel roof.

96\. In the event of track visit by a Presidential spouse, not allowed to taunt the Secret Service.

97\. When speaking to First Lady, should probably not refer to her as a MILF, either.

98\. Not allowed to volunteer to be the stripper at Tony Stewart’s victory celebration.

99\. If I do volunteer to be the stripper, I will make damned sure Jamie is invited next time.

100\. Despite team folding, still not allowed to take office supplies home with me. Especially when said supplies include a spoiler. Or an entire car.

101\. If I do have too much Red Bull, not allowed to get anywhere near Twitter again until I’ve slept it off.


End file.
